I went to bed last night feeling less than awesome about myself. In fact, I was quite frustrated. I had the realization that I have been actively working towards building my photography business for over 5 years now, and I still feel like I’m just not. Quite. There.
Although according to the numbers, I am only $600 shy of beating last year’s revenue, and about $3,000 shy of meeting my goal for 2011 (which I can TOTALLY do).
But I don’t feel successful. Even though I am showing that I have shot over 50 sessions to date. Even though I am actually in the black for the first time in who knows how long. Even though I am booked solid for the next month and I have so much work to do, I’m trying to decide how many hours I can afford to cut back at the day job so that I can focus on taking care of my clients and growing my business. Even though I just opened up a retail space! I still feel defeated.
I realized last night it’s because I feel like I’m in constant competition with everyone around me. I look at my friend, who when I met her last summer, told me that she’d just gotten a new camera and had an interest in photography now has a thriving photography business, just a year later. Another friend is debating on which camera to upgrade to, while a third is booking weddings into 2013. And I realized that the green-eyed monster is coming out with a vengeance. And I don’t know why. I am genuinely happy for them, I am.
And I shouldn’t be comparing myself to them. I shouldn’t. It’s not a fair comparison.
For my friends that are investing in their businesses, I realize that they are likely doing so on credit, where I operate on a strict cash budget. I realize that many of them have husbands (or wives) that have “real jobs” that cover their basic needs like food and shelter so they can focus on their dreams. I realize that they are not me, and at the end of the day, all things considered, I’m pretty freaking successful in my own right and I should be proud.
But I still can’t help but feel like I’m not good enough and I’m not ever going to get where I want to be.
I hear ya. Totally understand.
Thanks Kimberly. 🙂
Oh my, here do I start, you are doing better then great. You are doing what you love and that is so much more then what I can say for my self.
I think almost everyone feels this way. No one goes around telling their friends that they’re envious of them, and most of us want our friends to have what they have. But…I think we all only walk in our own shoes, so we only know the pitfalls and disappointments of our own lives. We don’t see the mundane, day-to-day of other people’s lives nor their pitfalls and disappointments, and so it’s easy to be envious.
A friend of mine wrote a blog post a while back about feeling envious and she mentioned feeling a little envious of me in her blog because I’ve made this huge move to the other side of the world. Meanwhile I was jealous of her seeming ability to find happiness without having to move to the other side of the world. She doesn’t know my inner dialogue and I don’t know hers. Everyone’s fighting their own demons and you’re exactly where you are right now ’cause it’s where you need to be. Same for me. Even if I don’t always like it!