I know this is completely weird to say this, but I am in love with my writing project. Sure, there are days that it’s hard – I am opening up cans upon cans of raw emotion that I never dealt with, both good and bad. It feels simply amazing. I wish I had done this years ago.
A dear friend of mine has been reading it and giving me feedback, which she actually compared the anticipation of reading it to watching LOST. Having never watched LOST, but aware of its draw, I like that compliment. But she also knows the players involved and was there for me through most of this, although even she admits it’s been interesting to hear things from an open and honest perspective.
But something else has happened that I did not expect. I am actually feeling all of the stuff that I felt back then, but more purely and more intensely. It’s crazy. I can’t even explain it.
A few years ago, when I was still seeing my hypnotherapist, she unlocked this same wave of emotion that I am feeling now. She told me that it would be best for me to deal with it. Process it and share my emotion with those that were involved. I didn’t. I couldn’t. I was too afraid of the outcome.
It’s amazing to me that we can allow fear to be so crippling, to the point that the pain of being afraid becomes worse than the thing we’re afraid of. I can’t remember where I heard it recently, whether it was on a show I’d watched or something that I’d discussed with a friend, but this idea stuck with me: “change occurs when the pain of remaining the same becomes greater than the fear of making a change.” Love that.
It’s true. Or it certainly seems so.
So the other day, I picked out a card and I wrote a letter. I took a lot of time to compose my thoughts, and sat down and wrote the first thing that came out. I wanted to write a letter for a few reasons: First, because a handwritten letter is just so nice to receive anymore. Second, I wouldn’t have a chance to re-write, re-read, and obsess over what I said specifically. I know the gist of what was put out there, I don’t need to stress over semantics. Third, there’s something about relinquishing control to the US Postal Service that just feels so final.
I embraced the moment and ran with it. I put everything on the line to say how I felt because, simply enough, the pain of remaining quiet hurt more than the fear of speaking my heart. A few more days and we’ll see.
This chain of events triggered a string of tweets on the matter, and one of my tweeps (who is a total doll, btw) ended up reading the blog and also loved it. I didn’t do this for the accolades, but it does feel nice. One thing I can say is it sure hasn’t been as painful as I thought it would be. It’s been freeing. And freeing is good, right?
So I guess this post is the ribbon cutting for what I’ve been working on the past couple of months. Although if you pay any attention at all, you’ll notice it’s been in my sidebar for the past three weeks. 🙂